Friends & college 2025/10/25

i'm going through a very busy period in my college semester atm and my mind is all over the place. it also doesn't help that i'm dogshit at identifying and classifying my emotions on top of that!!! i'm so grateful for my friends tho they mean the world to me. i recently vented about something related to love & romance to my two best friends, and it felt so good. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !! i'm someone who's VERY prone to bottling things up, so this was much needed.

i'm starting to get to know more people from my classes, which i'm honestly so glad about. if my past self looked at me now she'd be both shocked and proud of how far i've come. i used to be an incredibly reserved and shy person. i still am, from time to time, but i'm starting to get more comfortable getting out of my comfort zone and being more social. it's crazy to think that some people in my classes might even view me as an extrovert?! even though i'm honestly a textbook introvert ;p i did not use to be like this guys !!!

while there's significant improvement, i do still mask a LOT. not sure if this is something i'll ever unlearn tbh. i've definitely gotten a lot better at regulating myself ever since my autism diagnosis i got back in 2023, but i still catch myself slipping from time to time. i do have an easier time taking a step back when i notice myself getting overwhelmed though, so that it doesn't snowball into a burnout again.

idk. the second i step outside, i automatically mask. i feel like it's second nature at this point. any autistics who can relate to this? i do keep trying to remind myself everyday that i should be unapologetically autistic, but that's easier said than done. i often feel embarrassed about the things i say or do. i know the people around me would be like 'what are you talking about, you're not embarrassing!!' but that's because i purposly hide my 'embarrassing' traits, i can't help it T_T

this is rather turning more into a slight vent post lol but it just sucks that i feel like i have to suppress certain parts of myself. i know i technically don't HAVE to, and i know my friends would never judge me, but still IDK WHAT IT IS... what years of undiagnosed autism and judgement from peers does to a mf i guess... like i'd be getting comfortable being #silly and #autistic but then someone would give me one odd look or tell me to 'calm down' or be 'less dramatic' and idk why but that hurts a lot to hear fsr and instantly makes me want to shut down. i just get very excited about the things i love.

ANYWAY THIS IS GETTING WAY TOO LONG... i need to end this on a good note; i made a very good friend in college, and i always look forward to classes because of this person, we have so much in common and it makes me very happy :]

First blog post... 2025/10/08

i've been having a lot of fun coding this page! i'm really proud with how it turned out :3 lots of what i'm about to write here are honestly just things i've already been writing in a physical little notebook of mine, but i like the idea of preserving my thoughts on a little corner on the internet as well.

lately i've been thinking about how it somehow brings me a lot of comfort that 'the future' is something no one has ever been to. like, not a single person in the history of mankind has ever been there before yknow? we're all stepping into it together, at the same time, for the first time.

anyway, didn't mean to get all deep and philosophical there ;p college has been pretty hectic lately. i love the courses and i'm so grateful for being able to learn this stuff but OMG the amount of crashouts C# has given me... i also hate how as of now, we are still only covering the "boring" stuff. but once i can apply all this C# knowledge to a game dev context it's over for y'all >:3c my dream is to make a small video game featuring some of my ocs!!!